Putting up a performance is stupidly hard. Most of my life feels like an act. I’ve come to understand how I think and feel as I tried my hardest to avoid any subtle mistakes. Not showing any of my natural flaws while creating this artificial persona of niceness. Maybe I have this long-overdue Oscar Award for being a “nice guy”, yet I know it’s not something I would proudly brag about.

Knowing how fake I’ve lived most of my life hits the pit of my soul; I am ultimately not real. I have to start questioning whether I’m being real with my overall humanity as a man, or if I am being influenced by outside forces and deep-rooted internal programming. It’s by far the toughest war I’ve faced for the past several years, understanding the psychology of my manhood and human existence.

The struggle to find peace within myself fuels an insatiable hunger for an unknown reality I seek to enter. Maybe I am going to need Thragg to punch my block off into space or something to wake the heck up from this soft and false reality I made for myself. I once thought I knew everything about success and happiness. Still, a broken spirit, unhealed emotions, trauma, ever-growing frustration, and a lack of enthusiasm for life are telling me how much of a zombie I am. A walking dead, appearing to be alive while slowly dying each day.

The decaying spirit comes with giving up my own individual power for a comforting lie from others and myself: You shouldn’t do this or that because the success rate is low, maybe you’re not cut out for this, these types of women don’t date black men, remembering when you failed at xyz, and I don’t think you’re ready for this. Nothing truly makes sense in this world because things are chaotic and unpredictable.

I’ll admit, I’ve had victories breaking out of the ice as an imitator. The raw feeling of not sacrificing whatever truth that is burning in my heart that makes me alive, as if I were imbued by the Phoenix Force. I felt like an Omega Level Mutant who could use this power of realness to be the man I neglected to be. Every day, I struggle to open myself to the truth because I am afraid of coming off as imperfect, weird, or different. My whole life has been at war against the truth that I am not going to matter to 99% of people in this existence. I’ve been afraid of being rejected and hurt by others. I am mostly afraid of being alone and not having a place in this world.

However, the role I’ve played may have garnered people in my life, but the most important companion I’ve neglected way too often is myself. I do aspire to be a great man by living with compassion, restraint, love, peace, resilience, and inner strength, but being a suck-up to maintain “peace” has been a loser move for me. Every day is going to be a hard fight against a lie I’ve built up, but being a real man who actually has a lot to live for is worth every sacrifice I need to make. This path has been the most complex journey I have walked, yet the clarity of being my own worst enemy is the truth staring at me in the mirror.